Random thoughts.

I'm 11.3.2015

 I voted! 

I voted for the new Rec Center/pool to be built in Springville. It passed. 

Love these cute young women. 

We did the ropes course at Provo Beach. It was fun. 

I don't keep a journal, this is it. 

I also don't post much personal stuff, but on Friday, Nov. 6, I had a personal struggle that made me think... a lot. 

I wrote my thoughts down the next day. 

I was torn today after reading an article about the new policies for our church. I immediately text my dad to ask if it was true? How could they deny innocent children of such blessings? What about "man will be punished for their own sins and not for Adam's transgressions?" I was so confused and angry. My dad said he'd look into it and let me know. Minutes later he responded with "true" and will call me later. 

I have had my faith questioned with different conversations I've had with friends in the past. I've always relied on my personal confirmation of knowing the church is true, and although not understanding some issues, there is way too much good offered in this gospel to ever deny the truth.

The struggle is this.. I had recently been reminded at this past General Conference that faith and doubt cannot coincide. I had actually decided then and there to let go of my doubt, rely on my faith and focus on becoming more Christlike. 

I have had struggles through out life with going to church, wearing my garments in the middle of summer, bishops whom I have not agreed with, and at times, even my own testimony, but I have NEVER had the doubt that I was having at that moment. 

My dad called me back later that morning.  I cried to him expressing my concerns. He listened and comforted me, told me I needed to pray and read my scriptures. (Not exactly what I wanted to hear, but maybe what I needed)! 

I did. I don't feel like I received the answers I wanted, but I did feel a little more at peace. I felt that  I don't have to understand everything, and my lack of understanding doesn't mean I need to lash out at the church I belong to and love when things don't make sense. 

I don't need to lash out at other people's sense of loss, or attack their faith, even if they attack mine. 

I know that the atonement is real and it will cover all those children who might not have the opportunity to have the blessings of baptism for now. 

For now I will continue to try to find understanding in these new policies and continue to do my best in becoming more Christlike. 

I'm thankful for a loving Heavenly Father who loves me unconditionally when my doubts are constantly overriding my faith.